Look Beneath the Surface Behaviour

 The source of the behaviour lies below the surface in unseen feelings and needs.  Behaviour is what is typically seen and can be measured.. In the authoritarian way, most people only judge the behaviour without looking deeper to see what thoughts, emotions and needs are causing the behaviour.

Today’s parents must make it a policy to go deeper than the surface behaviour to understand what is really going on with a child. There is always a direct link between behaviour, thoughts, feelings and needs. When parents focus only on their children’s behaviour, without looking at its root cause, fail to see the whole picture.  Without understanding the real cause of the behaviour, the interpretation has a wide margin for error.

A misinterpretation can easily result in a frustrating attempt to solve a problem that has not been accurately defined.  It’s like only seeing the behaviour that floats above the water and thinking that’s all there is. We are all used to drawing conclusions and forming opinions.  By observing our children’s behaviour we have some information but we do not have all of it. Few parents are trained to look more deeply into their children to see what underlying thoughts, feelings and needs are the sources of the behaviour.  Think of an iceberg, the majority of it is below the water line. The part floating above the water is the behaviour that we see.  Under the surface are our feelings, thoughts and needs.  What actually causes the behaviour is below the surface of the water.

Behaviour is a symptom, not a cause.  A sore throat is a symptom of an infection, you cannot cure a sore throat without curing the infection. Your response to the behaviour matters.  If you really want her to stop crying, take the time to understand her thoughts, feelings and needs. Addressing behaviour alone will not work, one needs to look for the cause.

Thoughts and Feelings

When an event occurs, immediately humans react with thoughts and feelings.  Reactions are automatic – not consciously chosen – and are based on past experiences. It takes discipline and observation to become aware of our thoughts and feelings and to change them in order to support more optimal behaviour.

Our thoughts directly affects our feelings because thoughts and feelings are very closely linked.  Our thoughts and feelings determine our behaviour based on how we interpret an event or situation

How Feelings Work

Today there are a lot of people who cannot identify more than a few feelings like anger, sadness or happiness.  They simply haven’t learned the language necessary to identify their emotions, much less how to express them, therefore their feelings are a mystery to them.

One of the most profound breakthroughs in human relationships has been learning to value each other’s emotional states and helping each other to feel better, not worse, about our lives.

Love and fear are two primary emotions from which other emotions stem. Happiness, sorrow, jealousy, rage, frustration and joy are secondary emotions.

Love that is silent, isn’t sufficient.  Love needs to be expressed in a way that allows another to experience it’s presence.

Submitted by

Patricia Lessard

Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

www.ThePlaceInTheGrove.com

 There is not a parent out there that would not  answer “Yes” to the question “Do you want your child to grow up responsible?” Then why are there so many irresponsible people in the world?  Look.  Listen.  Read the headlines.  Something isn’t’t right. Experts have frequently given parents confusing and conflicting advice about how to raise children.

Take something as simple as getting and eight year old to clean their room. Mom says, “Samantha, your room sure is a mess.  I suppose when you get tired of living this way, you’ll clean it up. “Dad says, “Samantha, clean up this room now!  Get busy.”

Permissive Parenting

Mom is using permissive parenting where children are allowed to unfold without direction. This approach assumes that, if left to figure things out, children will find their way. Advocates of this method let children decide how to behave and learn from the consequences of their behavior.

This rarely succeeded for the simple reason that few children are naturally self-directing. Children need routines, structure, predictability and boundaries, and they do not come by these naturally.

Authoritarian Parenting

The oldest and most widely used approach. Parents assume the majority of responsibility to control their children from birth to adulthood until their children become independent. This method has parents using their power and authority to take charge and punish their children in order to teach them what to do. The parents decide the consequences and children are expected to show respect by obeying their parents. Authoritarian parenting works best when the goal is for children to learn to be able to follow order and to conform to pre-existing standards. Creativity is not encouraged.  Children are taught to be obedient and to never talk back. These children become outer-directed, meaning that they look to people outside themselves to decide what to think and how to act.

Often, permissive parents get fed up when their child has not acted responsibly, and they go ballistic in an authoritarian outburst. After they have laid down the law, accompanied by tears and bad feelings, the child’s bedroom finally gets cleans. This lack of consistency is especially difficult because children don’t know what to expect, nor are they empowered and shown how to take charge of their bedroom.

Most permissive parents vacillate between permissive and authoritarian approaches.  They don’t provide structure, because they are uncomfortable being bosses. The explosion confirms how uncomfortable they feel being authoritarian so they go back to being permissive until the next big upset.

Breakthrough (or Collaborative) Parenting

Now we get to another way of raising our children that is neither permissive or authoritarian.

Breakthrough Parenting differs from the other in that the responsibility for solving problems is shared between parent and child. The child is not given permission to decide not to be responsible nor is the child told exactly what to do.

“Samantha, your room is really a mess.  I would like to know what your plan is for cleaning it.” Samantha is expected to take responsibility for cleaning her room. It is up to her to decide when and how to do the job.  If her plan works, great! If she does not show much success, then a process of problem-solving occurs between parent and child. “Samantha, it looks like you started to clean your room, but didn’t’t finish.  It doesn’t’t seem like your plan worked very well.” We still expect Samantha to get her room clean. Whose room is it?  Whose problem is it?   HERS

What is the parent’s job?  To help Samantha attain mastery over keeping her room clean by allowing her to assume an increasing amount of reasonability for it. The parent and child engage in problem-solving until both of them agree on how she is going to take care of her room. Acknowledge successes and point out how the various tasks have been accomplished. This approach is continued until it is no longer necessary for him to mention that the room needs to be cleaned. It may take until adolescence or longer before mastery of this task has been achieved.

Submitted by

Patricia Lessard

Certified Breakthrough Parenting Master Instructor

 When a parent must address a child’s undesirable behaviour, damage to the child’s self-esteem can be avoided when the parent describes the behaviour, rather than labelling the child as a bad person.  It is not the child that you don’t like; it is the child’s behaviour.  The distinction makes a very big difference in your effectiveness when dealing with problems. 

Saying, “What’s the matter with you?” is an attack on self-esteem.  The child can feel rejected by his parent and need to escape the unpleasantness by going outside until they have cooled down.   The child’s  needs for safety, love and self-esteem were violated. Repeated incidents like this are guaranteed to make a child feel unsafe, unloved and unworthy.

Yelling from another room an affirmative statement like, “You are going to break something” is not a clear way to communicate to a young child.  It is too indirect and has the affect of encouraging him to play with the ball until something breaks.  It is better to have eye contact and to speak directly to the child when the issue is an important one.

If the parent had been more direct by coming into the room, squatting down next to the child, looking him in the eye and saying something like, “I don’t want anything broken by your playing ball in the house.  We need to agree on a place where you can play where things won’t get broken,  the child would have understood what to do.

In the second example, the child is taught acceptable behavior.  The parent follows through and sees that he plays or behaves appropriately.

When children  meet their agreements successfully, have a discussion with them describing the behavior rather than the person.  Learn to not use general praise, “What a Good Boy” “You are terrific” vs. “You did a good job on this”  “This is terrific, I am so pleased with how hard you worked on this.”

The Job Not Quite Finished

The important point here is that the job is not quite finished, start with what the child did accomplish before moving into what wasn’t done.  I.e. “You did a nice job of dusting, making your bed, and straightening your dresser.  When you take the garbage out you will be finished.”

No Effort

What do you do if there has been no effort to complete an agreed upon job?

Go back to step 1 and go deeper than the surface behavior.  Remember to use only statement sentences.  “I thought we had an agreement that you would wash the car this afternoon,” I don’t understand what has happened”  Receptive listening is called for, and asking for a new agreement.

R=TLC is the path to self-actualization.

The goal here is to develop a child’s ability to respond appropriately given the needs of a situation, by teaching them how to be a good thinker, and a loving and confident person. The two most import ways parents teach their children is by setting their own example and by actively problem-solving with them. Children are far more interested in what we do than in what we say. Teaching children how to respond appropriately requires continuous attention from parents to make sure that their own behavior is consistent with what they expect from their children. It is obvious that if you don’t want your child to lie, then you shouldn’t lie. Children learn how to solve personal problems by experiencing how the parent solve problems. A parent’s guidance of a child needs to be subtle and constant.

Three types of agreements * Mandatory * Flexible * Personal

Even if you have made your best effort to explain why something is the case, there is still no guarantee that the child really heard you or understand what you said. It is always better to clarify whether or not you have reached an agreement. The idea is not to lecture a child but to actually gain the child’s participation in deciding what would be the right action. Assertive statements begin by stating “who” proceed to “what” and close with “when.” Example whoever makes a mess cleans it up. If help is needed a person can ask for it. Mom can advise you need to clean that up now. Many parents do not clarify the essential when to their children. If you say now the child understands that it means immediately. If you say as soon as you can your child may think you mean by dinnertime, before bedtime or whatever. This is avoided if the parent clarifies the agreement by stating a particular time.

Mandatory Agreements- means that you must be responsible for living up to the agreement because of the importance of the situation. Until children are old enough to understand safety issues, parents have to be vigilant in protecting them, and a the same time teach them the seriousness of the situation. Safety rules are mandatory. 

Flexible Agreements- While safety agreements have few exceptions, there are many situations where new agreements can be made that reflect the changing needs of a situation.

We want to encourage our children to develop their personalities by making decision from a wide range of acceptable choices. As they get older, they need increasingly more opportunities to exercise free choice over their lives. This is essential for building confidence and promoting healthy independence. After coming to an agreement, you need to verify your understanding of the agreement by using the Three W’s. The goal of Step 2 is to help children become clear about what the agreements are and to adopt the agreements as guides for the behaviour that each person has agreed to.

Another breakthrough for parents is to understand that when children know better, they do better. You can easily figure out what a child knows by observing their actions. Just because a child does something once or even twice, does not mean that they have attained mastery and truly knows its. Repetition is often required from them to really understand something and assume full responsibility for being consistent with it.

If your children see themselves as failures, they will attract failure;Submitted by

if they see themselves as successful, they will attract success.

Patricia Lessard

Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

Discipline on the other hand does not inflict pain or interfere with self-esteem. Discipline promotes self-actualization. One way to determine if you are using discipline or punishment in a situation is to ask yourself how you feel during and after the encounter. Parents don’t feel guilty after disciplining a child. After punishment they are more inclined to be sad, worried, frustrated. Some parents may go to great lengths to justify a punishment in an attempt to overcome these negative feelings.

In Breakthrough Parenting discipline means to teach or train primarily by using one’s influence. It implies being a guide, instructing or enlightening another. Sometimes discipline means taking charge of a situation when a child can’t. A child may experience being disciplined or taught as uncomfortable. However, there is a big difference between feeling discomfort and feeling the physical and emotional pain of being punished.

There are a variety of ways to discipline children without causing them to experience pain. Parents who rely more on influencing, rewarding and communicating than on using force will have more successful relationships with their children, who in return will be more cooperative.

Discipline – means to teach
Discipline with love – means to teach responsible behaviour using tender, loving care.

The most important way parents teach is by example.

Discipline does not mean punishment.

In this method, discipline means to use influence rather than manipulative rewards or power to accomplish the goal of training children to be responsible. The goal is for children to develop an internal reference as to what is appropriate behaviour, one that they have arrived at because it makes sense to them, not because it is forced on them. If you just dictate family rules to your children, you invite rebellion, especially during times when there is no one to supervise. The question is not whether a family will have rules, but who sets them – only the parents or the parents and children together.

An advanced parenting technique is to use the principle of participation in deciding family rules. Children need to develop their thinking abilities by doing active problem-solving. A powerful disciplinary technique is to turn a problem over to a child to exercise their own mental muscles in getting problems solved. You may be surprised to see how resourceful your child can be in thinking of solutions.

It is easy to take a shortcut and simply decide for your child. It is also true that there are situations that call for you to make an instant decision. However, with a little extra time, you frequently can strengthen the child’s ability to respond appropriately by helping them think through the circumstances and come a good decision.

Three Steps of Disciplining With Love

Step One: R=TLC

TLC is the way to help parents remember to use methods of tender, loving care.
R=TLC is the path to self-actualization.

The goal here is to develop a child’s ability to respond appropriately given the needs of a situation, by teaching them how to be a good thinker, and a loving and confident person.

Step Two: Clarifying Agreement Who, What and When

Step Three: Follow Through. Catch them being good. They need to know that you appreciate them and notice their successes. “Good for you!” “That’s right!” “Terrific, you did it!”

Nothing succeeds like success.

Submitted by
Patricia Lessard
Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

The Goal R=TLC Responsibility = Thinking Loving Confidence
The Method TLC Tender Loving Care

R= the ability to respond appropriately given the needs of a situation. Every day, parents encourage or discourage the development of qualities that will turn their children into responsible adults. Your children will be able to respond appropriately when they have developed these three essential character qualities; rational thinking, the capacity for loving, and sufficient confidence to act on their beliefs. These three qualities are included in our formula R=TLC. Built into this formula is also a way of understanding the best method for reaching the goal, which is tender loving care or TLC.

How can parents know when their children are grown up? What are we striving to achieve when we say that we are raising children? One good determination is that when children can accept full responsibility for the consequences of their choices, they are “grown up.” Responsibility means the ability to respond appropriately given the needs of the situation. Every day, parents encourage or discourage the development of qualities that will turn their children into responsible adults.

Your children will be able to respond appropriately when they have developed these three essential character qualities:

* Rational Thinking
* The capacity for loving
* and sufficient confidence to act on their beliefs.

Thinking

The “T” stands for thinking. This is the ability to use one’s mind to process information logically, to analyze situations and to form conclusions. A person with strong thinking skills can distinguish between fact and fiction and demonstrates common sense. Good thinking implies the ability to make wise or sound judgments. The more people strengthen their ability to reason and to sole problems, the better they function. Intelligence isn’t only acquired from our parents: it’s developed and given the chance to manifest mostly by what a person has learned and experienced. Attentive parents routinely teach children how to think by involving them in problem-solving activities.

Loving

The “L” in the formula stands for loving. Loving describes a way of being with oneself and others. It means fully accepting someone for who they are as a person, it doesn’t mean accepting that person’s behaior without conditions. Loving means treating others with respect and compassion, and valuing and promoting what’s in their best interest. The crucial first stage in helping children develop into loving people is to encourage them to love themselves. It’s only from a foundation of self-love that children mature to a place where they are capable of having compassion for others.

Confidence

The “C” stands for the courage to take action, stand up for oneself and to make independent decision. It means being self-reliant and trusting one’s own judgment. Just being a good thinker and a loving person does not make someone a responsible individual. By showing approval when your children act constructively, you can create an atmosphere in which your children can build confidence.

Six Steps to Problem-Solving

Children can develop strong thinking skills by participating in family problem-solving activities. All problem-solving involves the following six steps;

1. Identifying the problem; The first step toward resolving a problem is recognizing that it exists.
2. Understand the problem: Problems often have parts or specific details that need to be addressed.
3. Agree upon a solution: Everyone involved in the problem-solving process participates in brainstorming possible
Solutions and in choosing the best one.
4. Make a plan: A plan of action is then agreed upon, determining who is going to do what and when.
5. Follow the plan: Everyone does his or her part based on the agreements made for the plan of action.
6. Evaluate the results: This is the time to evaluate whether the problem was fully solved, and to determine whether
more work is required at any of the first 5 steps.

Solving problems together can be a rewarding and joyful experience, a chance to grow
and deepen family relationships and an important way to reduce family conflict.

Submitted by
Patricia Lessard
Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

One way of understanding how the low self-esteem of a parent can be passed on to another generation is to look at just how misguided love can be. A lot of old thinking exists concerning the proper role of a parent. Almost always, parents try to justify the following punitive behaviour as an expression of love for their children. However, these methods of “loving children” invariably cause more harm than good.

The Boss

You can hear bosses barking commands. “Put that down.” “Stop that.” “Be quiet.” This is their favourite form of communication. Bosses impose unrealistic standards on their children because they do not understand the normal stages of child development. They do not understand how to protect a child’s self-esteem and how to build confidence. They want children to behave and think like miniature adults. When children behave like children, “the boss” is quick to criticize. This is misguided love because it contributes to producing dysfunctional and fearful children. Authoritarians in the workplace are not interested in debate and will not tolerate disagreement with their views. They must have obedience from their followers to stay in power.

Authoritarians parents are not as likely to understand the importance of building self-esteem. They spell out how awful the punishment will be for disobedience. When confronted about their behaviour, they insist their authoritarian methods are based on love for their children. Parents are telling the truth from their point-of-view, although it is a warped and misguided sense of love that is ignorant of the negative consequences for their children. Individuals who grew up under these extremes cringe at the abuses they experienced. They remember the beatings, going to bed without dinner, standing in the corner and being terrified of how much worse it could get.

Living Through Children

Another destructive practice of parents is attempting to live out their own life dreams through their children. Parents who do this see their children as an extension of themselves, not as separate individuals with separate life paths.

Spoiling

When parents take their children to special events, provide them with money when it is needed and in general treat them with abundance, generosity, time and attention it does not mean that they are “spoiling” them. Prosperity and abundance are part of living well. When children are treated with generosity they learn to be generous. This generosity must be tempered with parental decision as to the appropriateness of gifts and other privileges bestowed upon the children.

Generally, if children are taught to give at the same time they are learning to receive, they will have a balanced view of the “give and take” of human interaction. Teaching them that receiving abundance is spoiling them is very destructive. It gives the message that they do not deserve abundance, and this negatively affects their self-esteem.

Then what is spoiling? Spoiling is permissive parenting. This means that they are not exercising, socializing, reading, helping around the house, or doing a host of other activities that build character and intellect, strengthen their body, and encourage responsible social development. Spoiling is over-indulging children with material things. Some parents try to buy their children’s love with an excessive number of toys, a personal TV and expensive clothes. “Nothing’s too good for my child!” Parents may be inadvertently warping their children’s inner-development into thinking material possessions and status are the only way to have importance, when these have little to do with developing the inner strength of the child to promote his or her excellence. Excessively indulgent treatment eventually impairs a child’s character.

Being A “Buddy”

Often parents who see themselves as their child’s buddy are abandoning their parenting responsibilities by trying to be their child’s best friend. They are too permissive with the child because they are unwilling to be assertive and to provide guidance that the child needs. They are driven by wanting the child to like them. Children are often annoyed at their parents for not being able to do or give them whatever they want when they want. The “Buddy cannot tolerate the child’s annoyance and immediately tries to make the child happy again. This leads to inappropriate indulgences. Parents and children who love each other do have a valuable friendship. Being friends with your child is fine if you are clear about your parenting responsibilities and can stand firm in advocating what is in your child’s best interest.

Buddy parents do not take charge as leaders in the family, they do not provide sufficient guidance to help their children set appropriate limits for their behavior. They tend to not stick to their agreements and do not follow through.

Submitted by
Patricia Lessard
Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

Understanding the Behaviour

Empathy or compassion demonstrates kindness, nurturing and acceptance. When parents have empathy for their children, they encourage the development of this trait in their children, and strengthen their bond with them at the same time. The empathetic parent makes every effort to understand the behavior of a child as an expression of his or her underlying thoughts, feelings and unmet needs.

Mom identifies what is causing the behaviour, she then addresses the problem by thinking of a way to meet the children’s needs directly. Many of the behaviours that children exhibit do not need to be encouraged with attention. The compassionate parent empathizes with the child’s point-of-view and maintains harmony by helping them get their needs met in a constructive, safe way. This style requires receptive listening and compassion on the part of the parent.

Shared Decision making

This leadership style relies on your child’s participation with you in decision making. For example, you begin by encouraging your child to express his or her point of view. Each child is encouraged to listen receptively to the other child’s point of view and to yours as well. You then allow the child to “experiment” with what they believe to be good ideas. This method of parenting allows children to experience having a voice and fosters confidence and independent problem solving. The parent who shares responsibility thinks, “My job is to guide children so they can learn to solve their own problems.” This is using influence.

Hands Off

This leadership style is non-directive. Children are encouraged to assume as much responsibility as they can safely handle. The goal is to allow them the freedom to experiment and to learn from their experience on their own terms. The parent is available to provide direction, if necessary. She keeps a sharp eye on them to make sure they don’t hurt each other. Eventually, they solve their own problem and find another activity. The hands off parent thinks, “If I don’t interfere, the children will work it out by themselves.” Children can often think of better solutions than we can. When parents pay attention to squabbles, they can perpetuate them. The hands off method can build good thinking skills because children, left to their own resources, must decide how to solve their own problems.

Be very careful not to resort to hands off parenting when a stronger leadership role is needed. \in many situations children simply are not mature enough to make wise choices on their own. Too much hands off style is overly permissive, leaving children in charge and without parental guidance which creates disharmony. Children require structure to feel safe.

Taking Charge

Often the simplest and best leadership style is to take charge, to be a director. Taking charge provides direction and structure. This is the style that most parents use. This should be used last. It can be overused and can easily turn into controlling a child rather than influencing a child to be self-referring. If you must, for safety’s sake, step in, \I suggest that you follow up your action with an explanation, perhaps at a later time when the child is more able to listen.

If mom had tried to teach while the children were angry with each other, the children wouldn’t really be able to hear her. When people are angry, they are feeling fear and are in a closed=off state. After a timeout, their perspective returns and a teachable moment can occur. The take charge parent thinks, I need to improve upon this situation by stepping in and actively problem-solving.

Choosing the Best Style for the Situation

Parents decide which style to use according to the needs of the situation. Parents may use all four styles in a disciplinary situation. First assess the needs of the situation and then decide which leadership style will work best for your children at the time. f you believe your children can figure out the solution to their own problems them step back. If there are multiple solutions ask the children for one or offer a suggestion (shared). When a child is likely to be hurt, move in and be a director (taking charge).

Do not just pick one leadership style learn to successfully use them all.

Submitted by

Patricia Lessard

Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor