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Understanding the Source of the Behaviour

 Look Beneath the Surface Behaviour

 The source of the behaviour lies below the surface in unseen feelings and needs.  Behaviour is what is typically seen and can be measured.. In the authoritarian way, most people only judge the behaviour without looking deeper to see what thoughts, emotions and needs are causing the behaviour.

Today’s parents must make it a policy to go deeper than the surface behaviour to understand what is really going on with a child. There is always a direct link between behaviour, thoughts, feelings and needs. When parents focus only on their children’s behaviour, without looking at its root cause, fail to see the whole picture.  Without understanding the real cause of the behaviour, the interpretation has a wide margin for error.

A misinterpretation can easily result in a frustrating attempt to solve a problem that has not been accurately defined.  It’s like only seeing the behaviour that floats above the water and thinking that’s all there is. We are all used to drawing conclusions and forming opinions.  By observing our children’s behaviour we have some information but we do not have all of it. Few parents are trained to look more deeply into their children to see what underlying thoughts, feelings and needs are the sources of the behaviour.  Think of an iceberg, the majority of it is below the water line. The part floating above the water is the behaviour that we see.  Under the surface are our feelings, thoughts and needs.  What actually causes the behaviour is below the surface of the water.

Behaviour is a symptom, not a cause.  A sore throat is a symptom of an infection, you cannot cure a sore throat without curing the infection. Your response to the behaviour matters.  If you really want her to stop crying, take the time to understand her thoughts, feelings and needs. Addressing behaviour alone will not work, one needs to look for the cause.

Thoughts and Feelings

When an event occurs, immediately humans react with thoughts and feelings.  Reactions are automatic – not consciously chosen – and are based on past experiences. It takes discipline and observation to become aware of our thoughts and feelings and to change them in order to support more optimal behaviour.

Our thoughts directly affects our feelings because thoughts and feelings are very closely linked.  Our thoughts and feelings determine our behaviour based on how we interpret an event or situation

How Feelings Work

Today there are a lot of people who cannot identify more than a few feelings like anger, sadness or happiness.  They simply haven’t learned the language necessary to identify their emotions, much less how to express them, therefore their feelings are a mystery to them.

One of the most profound breakthroughs in human relationships has been learning to value each other’s emotional states and helping each other to feel better, not worse, about our lives.

Love and fear are two primary emotions from which other emotions stem. Happiness, sorrow, jealousy, rage, frustration and joy are secondary emotions.

Love that is silent, isn’t sufficient.  Love needs to be expressed in a way that allows another to experience it’s presence.

Submitted by

Patricia Lessard

Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

www.ThePlaceInTheGrove.com

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