The Place In The Grove Presents

Misguided Parenting Methods To Avoid

One way of understanding how the low self-esteem of a parent can be passed on to another generation is to look at just how misguided love can be. A lot of old thinking exists concerning the proper role of a parent. Almost always, parents try to justify the following punitive behaviour as an expression of love for their children. However, these methods of “loving children” invariably cause more harm than good.

The Boss

You can hear bosses barking commands. “Put that down.” “Stop that.” “Be quiet.” This is their favourite form of communication. Bosses impose unrealistic standards on their children because they do not understand the normal stages of child development. They do not understand how to protect a child’s self-esteem and how to build confidence. They want children to behave and think like miniature adults. When children behave like children, “the boss” is quick to criticize. This is misguided love because it contributes to producing dysfunctional and fearful children. Authoritarians in the workplace are not interested in debate and will not tolerate disagreement with their views. They must have obedience from their followers to stay in power.

Authoritarians parents are not as likely to understand the importance of building self-esteem. They spell out how awful the punishment will be for disobedience. When confronted about their behaviour, they insist their authoritarian methods are based on love for their children. Parents are telling the truth from their point-of-view, although it is a warped and misguided sense of love that is ignorant of the negative consequences for their children. Individuals who grew up under these extremes cringe at the abuses they experienced. They remember the beatings, going to bed without dinner, standing in the corner and being terrified of how much worse it could get.

Living Through Children

Another destructive practice of parents is attempting to live out their own life dreams through their children. Parents who do this see their children as an extension of themselves, not as separate individuals with separate life paths.

Spoiling

When parents take their children to special events, provide them with money when it is needed and in general treat them with abundance, generosity, time and attention it does not mean that they are “spoiling” them. Prosperity and abundance are part of living well. When children are treated with generosity they learn to be generous. This generosity must be tempered with parental decision as to the appropriateness of gifts and other privileges bestowed upon the children.

Generally, if children are taught to give at the same time they are learning to receive, they will have a balanced view of the “give and take” of human interaction. Teaching them that receiving abundance is spoiling them is very destructive. It gives the message that they do not deserve abundance, and this negatively affects their self-esteem.

Then what is spoiling? Spoiling is permissive parenting. This means that they are not exercising, socializing, reading, helping around the house, or doing a host of other activities that build character and intellect, strengthen their body, and encourage responsible social development. Spoiling is over-indulging children with material things. Some parents try to buy their children’s love with an excessive number of toys, a personal TV and expensive clothes. “Nothing’s too good for my child!” Parents may be inadvertently warping their children’s inner-development into thinking material possessions and status are the only way to have importance, when these have little to do with developing the inner strength of the child to promote his or her excellence. Excessively indulgent treatment eventually impairs a child’s character.

Being A “Buddy”

Often parents who see themselves as their child’s buddy are abandoning their parenting responsibilities by trying to be their child’s best friend. They are too permissive with the child because they are unwilling to be assertive and to provide guidance that the child needs. They are driven by wanting the child to like them. Children are often annoyed at their parents for not being able to do or give them whatever they want when they want. The “Buddy cannot tolerate the child’s annoyance and immediately tries to make the child happy again. This leads to inappropriate indulgences. Parents and children who love each other do have a valuable friendship. Being friends with your child is fine if you are clear about your parenting responsibilities and can stand firm in advocating what is in your child’s best interest.

Buddy parents do not take charge as leaders in the family, they do not provide sufficient guidance to help their children set appropriate limits for their behavior. They tend to not stick to their agreements and do not follow through.

Submitted by
Patricia Lessard
Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

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