The Place In The Grove Presents

Influencing Your Children Positively

How we Learn

This is the nature of teaching new skills to children. Parents teach their children countless lessons about life beginning at birth. From birth through adolescence, children are learning and mastering new skills at a rate far greater than at any other time in life. Everything is new and has to be learned. The way in which parents provide information and teach their children important life skills has a tremendous impact on how well their children will learn these skills. Consider how much a newborn baby has to learn before they can be a fully functioning adult. Children must be taught countless skills in order to become self-sufficient in life. Many of these skills we are unlikely ever to remember learning because they are so much a part of our lives today. Teens are learning important social skills for being in relationships with others. Young adults need the accumulation of many different skills to hold down a job, pay for a place to live, keep gas in the car, put food in the refrigerator and not run up excessive credit card charges. The best way for children to learn all of these important tasks is from compassionate teachers who are willing to patiently introduce these skills and help the children attain mastery over each one. After seeing a skill demonstrated Introduction) they will practice the skill many times before they can do it without assistance, (practicing the skill). The next stage of learning is to assume responsibility for doing a skill by oneself (assuming responsibility). In the final stage, they are able to perform the skill without help (mastery of the skill). There are countless skills like this that we must learn over our lifetimes to enhance our lives. An important part of being a parent is learning how to teach children these skills in ways that are empowering them to take responsibility.

INTRODUCE A NEW SKILL

PRACTICES THE SKILL

ASSUMES RESPONSIBILITY

SELF-MASTERY

How you teach these life lessons has a direct effect on how well the lesson is received and mastered. Teaching with tender loving care is the best method.

- No one has to tell the child when to tie shoelaces- Gets it right most of the time- several attempts to get it right- tying a shoelaceIF YOU HAVE A GIFT

It is important to package our gifts of knowledge and discipline in a way that influences others and invites learning rather than forcing others to act and think as we do. The styles are not all mutually exclusive and that in one disciplinary situation a parent may use all of them. Each leadership style is intended to influence children by giving reasons for advocating a certain point-of-view or to demonstrate ways of thinking or behaving.

The children being influenced are free to think or behave as they choose. Children usually change when shown a better way, but the reasons for change must make sense to then. Influence never implies forcing – the process allows the other person to exercise free will and helps them to assume responsibility.

External rewards come from someone other than ourselves. One way of externally rewarding a child is to show your approval. A simple acknowledgment of: “Terrific! You did an excellent job!” or “Thank you, you were a big help to me,” is confirmation that the child is doing the right thing.

This is an external validation of a child’s worth. The reward may include special treats or privileges for constructive behaviour. It feels good when others are pleased with us. In this case the reference point is outside of us.

Ultimately the goal is for the child to build an internal point of reference for approval, no longer only pleasing others, but rather developing a deep sense of personal satisfaction with his or her achievements. This technique builds self-esteem as it’s not based on vague general statements affirming the child’s personal worth, but on concrete behaviours that illustrate the underlying values the parents are advocating.

Too many external rewards rob the child of the opportunity to experience the pleasure of the unmatchable internal feeling brought about by a job well done. It is the parent’s task to help a child identify that feelings. EX for a young child “Wow that feels so good. You must feel big all over. The fundamental method of looking for and calling attention to what children do right has more significance and potential for success than any other method.

Too many people think they are doing their children a favour by pointing out the errors of their children’s ways. The problem is that negativity focuses on what not to do rather than on what to do. It does not provide sufficient models of acceptable behaviour.

Negativity is the absolute destroyer of successful family life.

Submitted by

Patricia Lessard

Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor

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